So one day I was sitting on a bench near some bubbling tar, minding my on business reading a magazine. Lunch was done. There were no tempting scraps around, the P&J sandwich was history and the bag was in the trash, when suddenly this squirrel jumps right up on top of the bench’s back rest and sits about 2 inches from my head. I look at him of course and well... let’s just say it was easy to tell it was a boy squirrel because his thingy was out. The little pink tip was giving me the full salute and tiny little gnat things were circling it. Evidently he was proud of his manhood (squirrelhood?) as he stared intently at my face, his legs spread apart. I was more than a bit concerned that he was going to bite me or jump on my head or a combination of the two, but I was also afraid to make any sudden movements. I opted to talk to him, "hey, there big guy" etc. and slowly leaned forward to get some distance. After a bit he moved on, jumped down and believe me, I watched him until he completely disappeared into some bushes. Back to my magazine.
A few minutes later I felt a tap on my shoulder. The squirrel was back, but this time his front legs were on my shoulder and his back legs were on the top of the bench and his thingy...was out! Now this was getting serious. Either he was going to jump completely on me in which case I was going to majorly freak out and scream like a 10 year-old girl or he was going to have to commit to going back on the bench. I started to very s-l-o-w-l-y lean forward and hoped for the best. He balanced between his two options as long as he could but thankfully he jumped back to the bench. Did I mention his thingy was out...and there were gnats circling?
So this time I watched him go back to the bushes and I kept right on watching. After several minutes with no sign of him,I finally go back to my magazine. Now I need to say that this was the early 90s and I was wearing suede shoes--stylish for their time. After a while I felt a slight pressure on my foot. I looked down and that squirrel, with his nasty gnat infested thingy, has humping my suede shoe. It didn’t last more than 2 or 3 seconds. It was over at about the time I realized what was happening and when he was done he left behind a little stain of squirrel spunk on my shoe. Wham, bam but no thank you ma’am.
As a victim of an interspecies sexual assault I felt used, yes. But at the same time I have to admit that I felt oddly flattered. That squirrel could have humped anyone or anything, but he picked me. I’d like to think it was because I have animal magnetism--I find that more empowering than "victim". (One more aside, I could never get that squirrel spooge stain out of my suede shoe.)